Jibber

Small holding.

Currently making plans for a small holding. This would be a dream come true. It's complicated by a fear of recurrent illness - but the fact remains, I am far more fortunate than many who suffer from Depression or anxiety related illness. I have a supportive family and opportunity to work again - doing something that fires a passion in me. I have asked myself whether I'm rushing forward into something I am not fully recovered enough for - and frankly, the answer is, I am really in need of purpose beyond recovery, rushing or not, I want to take the opportunity while it presents itself (the farm next door has just vacated). It seems like this planned element of our future is one worth accelerating to reality.

Listen!

Posted

0 Comments

The Drugs Don't Work

A subject too complicated and personal to be served by text. Here's an audioBoo I recorded to pose a question. If you can be bothered to listen to it all, then I value your opinion.

I'm not proposing the drugs don't help - or that I stop them without doctors guidance. I'm just suggesting that daily thoughts, weekly appointments and monthly reviews, along with CBT and CAT can only really guarantee one thing - that my life remains full of reminders that I have suffered a mental breakdown and am considered mentally ill.

My new life, away from the stress of London living, in peace and with no urgency at any point, is anxiety free, stress free, depression free....and currently Psychiatrist free. I'm due to sign up with the health service....and frankly, I've found my closer proximity to family, fresh air, exercise and quiet are doing more for me than any of the 'mental health services' I've been offered could.

I'll leave the rest for the recording. I don't want to feel like a victim / patient any more. I want to move on. I'm not 'in denial' - I know i'm suffering from a mental illness and will go straight to the doctor if the panic attacks return, or the self isolation,....or depression. I'm not stupid. What I am sick of though, is having a life dominated by a kind of 'patient psychosis'. It's made worse by the shoddy state of mental health care provided by the NHS. I can do without it I think....and if I get a little low, there's always my vegetable patch to talk to ;)

Listen!

Posted

2 Comments

The Move Up North

*Leaving London after 20 years for life in the countryside*

Wow. Unbelievably nervous and feeling the need to write it down. If I ramble, it's because I have had to medicate. Bloody nutter. I guess my agoraphobia is doing me no favours over this move! I haven't driven in over 4 months - but will have to on Thursday. Only about 150 miles but still....I've not been much further than 1 mile from my home for some time.

Still, I've enabled tethering on my iphone, so I will have laptop access to the net while waiting for my broadband (limited at 3Mb due to remote location :/). Going to be a change from my current Cable internet 20mb! Running my game community will be a challenge but there's a good team of peeps there who'll keep it all smooth. I reckon my tethering should allow me to blog and keep up with Buzz. I'll probably stick to my iphone for twitter and simple surfing and save the tethering bandwidth. Looked at MiFi but too extravagant for a temporary need.

Boxes are arriving soon so we can pack up some stuff. The removals company arrives tomorrow and they do all the packing...then we leave on Thursday morning. It's definitely freaking me out. I'm leaving behind a kitchen that looks out on Prostitution and Crack activity, nightly - but we built this house from a shell - and I'm attached to it!

Claud is going to love it. Poppy is going to love it. I am too - once I'm there.

Since I've been recovering from my stress induced breakdowns, I've been under strict instructions not to tax myself. So, I'm kind of trying to float through the whole experience as much as possible. I pick small jobs. Do them. Then pick another. Everything seems to be going smoothly. If I'm honest - if my wife wasn't so superb and organised, we'd be in chaos now. Makes me feel useless - and my depression of late is not welcome. Still, whatever happens, I know that in a few days I'll be surrounded by fields and farmland, and I am certain that will do us all a world of good.

I'll be leaving my 'control room' - ideal for any hermit / agoraphobic geek. It's like a comfort blanket of tech.

It's been intense living in London. From the early student days, DJ'ing and living it up, to my most active studio recording times - 10 years of them - to a stressful period in my career and 8 years of IBS...all the while in a day job that involved face to face negotiations with FTSE 100 CEO's at it's worst. I lost 3 cases in the Court of Appeal before having my breakdowns - and I'm absolutely certain that where I'm heading, that life is going to seem a world away. Forgetting about money, career and socialising, there really is nothing about the move that I should fear.

I wish I could convince my nervous system of that!

Posted from Hackney, United Kingdom

4 Comments

AudioBoo / Brainspill

A long free flowing ramble this morning at 6.30 in the park. I don't recommend listening. I have a head full of thoughts at the moment and needed to spill them out and archive them - something an AudioBoo is perfect for.

AudioBoo / Brainspill

Posted

0 Comments

750words follow up

Well, I've done 2 entries now. One thing i've noticed is I am fairly slow until about 400 words - then the next time I stop typing, I'm on about 900! I think this proves to me that I'm not as comfortable writing as using AudioBoo, or rather, my thoughts don't flow as freely.

That said, some pretty heavy stuff is coming out. Stuff that i've spoken with my Psychiatrist about but not really thought about afterwards (denial is a comfortable evil). Anyway - here's the site's 'emotion' stats for today. There are more detailed stats available to me privately.

Now, it definitely took me a while to get going as I've said. So long in fact, that I'd been at my PC for 4 hours since the reminder I'd last night set flashed up saying 'write 750 words'. In the end I did what I often have done in the last year, recorded an AudioBoo, to get me focussed on what I was planning next - and to spill out some free flowing thoughts - about free flowing thoughts... and 750words.com.

Do I feel better for all this outpouring? I guess so. I feel like i've put my head in order (well, sort of messily pushed it into a corner - but that's my heads fault not the concept of free flowing brain spills. I will be continuing throughout March. Heck, I need all the help I can get - and if typing pages and pages about life as I've seen it and see it in the future is going to help in any small way - and it is - then I think it's worth adding into my daily routine.

Here's my Boo, made just before I started typing.

Posted

0 Comments

A Mental Geek (or 'To my friends')

Well, since we're going to be friends, I recorded a 'Boo' to introduce myself to you....and get the awkward stuff out the way. I tend to post about my mental health and like people to realise I'm perfectly comfortable talking openly. I wish more people did - it can often feel like a lonely thing to be mentally unwell, yet all the stats show there is probably someone going through identical challenges just around the corner.

I graduated in 1992 in Psychology - the irony - but went on to a career in the city of london Lloyds Insurance Market, as a negotiator. It was extremely stressful, and when I lost some very large cases in the English Court of Appeal, I suffered a mental breakdown. It was not to be the last.

I had suffered from Irritable Bowel Syndrome for 8 years or so. It is now clear, from the medical help and advice I received, that this was directly caused by a combination of a trigger - Chronic food poisoning when I was in Thailand - and I mean Chronic! - and the stress my career was already causing.

To cut a long story short, those 8 years were full of anxiety - not professional anxiety, I was good at my job - but IBS related anxiety. My IBS 'profile' was one of extreme diahorrea - needing to pass anything between 6 and 26 times a day. This could occur in a meeting with a FTSE 100 CEO, during a trial, sitting on a bus in a freshly laundered suite, whilst pretending to enjoy a nice meal with clients (I couldn't eat most things - but was always to keen to please to refuse them, so I continually made myself ill).....and it really took over my life. I grew to think of a Saturday night in, with food and not too many toilet visits, was my idea of heaven. I craved to not have to excuse myself throughout the day, to run to the nearest toilet. I even have an ID card from the health service which requests access to Any toilet in the UK - it saves having to explain each time....you basically flash it at a train station attendent and he rushes and unlocks the nearest toilet. Very convenient. Hugely embarassing. Every time.

So, anyway, without getting sidetracked, all of this led eventually to my 2 breakdowns. 6 months apart. The second on Christmas Day at my Parents home. That was December 2008. I haven't worked since. I have however taken every opportunity to learn. I have always been a geek - I began machine coding on a Vic20 and never looked back. However, due to a love of making music, I tended to stick to using Sequencing software to power my home studio, and tweaking my PC as little as possible, for stability.

This last year I have learned lots about various platforms and languages. I am a big fan of Drupal, having tried most of the open source CMS products, it's the one with the modular, truely forward thinking and flexible architecture. Plus with my limited php skills, some CSS and HTML, and mySQL knowledge, it's a mighty powerful tool for mashups. I've built many with it - and then lost them due to being ridiculously bad at nuts and bolts - much better at chaotic creation!

My plans now involve a pending move to the countryside (April 2010), slow and sure development of some of my more interesting ideas for web-apps, and continuing Game Level design, and my role running my Game Community - Playstuff.net. I'm under strict instructions from the Psychiatrist not to challenge myself - but i'll be damned if i'm going to sit around watching daytime TV when I could be learning and creating.

So, that pretty much brings you up to date on me ;) Feels odd saying that and of course I don't expect you to be interested in the slightest. However, if you notice the odd personal, life type thread appearing here, now you'll have somewhere to find out what the hell i'm on about.

Oh, and i f your interested, here's my Gowalla entry (i talk about it in the Boo) - how tragic that the only spot i appear to visit regularly is the compost heap on Hackney Downs :) http://gowal.la/s/45HH

http://audioboo.fm/boos/100167-colts-playground-a-mentalist

Posted

1 Comment

Magic Moss

Magic Moss
Originally uploaded by ColtSeaversPS

Seemed an appropriate first entry to my creative output blog.

As well as using this blog to store my photography, I'll be posting about Game Level Design, Techy Geeky stuff, Web Development and quite possibly Mental Health. Welcome.

Posted

0 Comments

Jibber

Navigation

Tags

Get Updates

Small holding.

The Drugs Don't Work

The Move Up North

AudioBoo / Brainspill

750words follow up

A Mental Geek (or 'To my friends')

Magic Moss